reminder: 31 july

reminder: 31 july. paint nails red.

note to self:

start at 8 pm — not 9. 

they always take too long to dry.

31 july, 21:15. zōshigaya.

look, there are stains all over your pillow.

again.

you can never wait long enough,

can you?

healing isn’t linear but the drying of this polish really should be.

this place does a hell of a job at making you feel different.

special, even.

enough that you don’t need to change.

not yet, anyway.

go ahead!

keep on brushing, searching for ways to be stronger

without putting in any sort of effort.

keep on brushing as your tangled hair tangles longer.

your hair will never be straight.

brush gets caught. you are hurt.

more than you should be.

typical.

reminder: 11 august. do the laundry.

note to self:

they’re open 24/7, but don’t 

procrastinate til midnight to do it.

12 august, 00:17. laundromat down the street.

oh, well. you weren’t the only person who thought no one else would be here.

you sit in the laundry cart. this pile of clothes makes for a comfortable seat, anyway.

38 minutes left on this guy’s cycle. he must have

gotten here 2 minutes before you did. where did he go?

or she — maybe it’s a woman.

24 minutes left. 

still?

sheesh, maybe you should go ‘home’.

no, you’ve already dragged all your shit here.

fuck it, you have time for a snack.

no one steals stuff in this country. 

you leave your clothes and wallet in the laundromat.

you can never wait long enough,

can you?

12 august, 00:35. familymart.

you grab a warm famichiki.

200 yen. should’ve brought your wallet for 

those loose coins you’ve been holding onto. 

whatever.

‘kādo, kudasai.’

it sounds like you’re saying ‘card’ with a mocking accent.

you’re also pretty sure you just used the wrong form of ‘please.’ 

‘do you need a bag?’

‘die-joo-bow-dess-ooo.’         (大丈夫です) 

note to self: smile!    (i’m okay. it’s okay.)

you decide you definitely used the wrong form of ‘please’, earlier.

you’ve just commanded the cashier to give you a credit card.

he bows anyway.

(maybe it’s a woman.)

you walk back to the laundromat and everything is still

where you left it.

too bad that isn’t the case with

everything in life.

or everyone.

30 august, 23:49. shinjuku.

dance, dance, dance! 

you dance because at last

you’re gonna get away from here.

same night, 04:22. shibuya.

IT’S OKAY AND I’M OKAY!

NOTHING MATTERS

AND THE SUN IS RISING

reminder: 31 august. flight home.

note to self: wake. up.

31 august, __:__. time doesn’t exist in the air.

you woke up and you’re

going home and it

all matters again.

what is wrong with you?

meditations like such swirl around in your head.

over and over and over. 

you were let down once so you think

there’s no point in believing ever again.

surely, this is no way to think.

only child, spoiled 

15 years past your expiration date.

so spoiled

you spilled all your own milk 

a long time ago

and you’re still crying about it.

you think the milk is still running

out of the carton

but really, it’s you.

spilling over, running away.

running and running yet

all you do is curdle

into new, rotten versions of yourself.

reminder: every day. you are still there.

note to self:  get away from here.